闲人

梦到... 自己用过去不可一世的态度去过现在的生活。

什么时候失去了我的骄傲？ 二十四岁还在拿爸爸的钱？从年轻人的高手变成大人世界的初学者？还是... 有些人我觉得他们很强，只要向他们学习我也会变强。只是发觉到，任何人其实都有自己脆弱的地方。

适量的骄傲也没什么不好。以前骄傲的自己也是（有点）认真地在学习，朋友比现在多，大致上也没什么问题。而且至少，觉得自己过得还不错。I felt good about myself.

是不是，应该找回一点点的骄傲？

People say things like, "That's something you want, not something you need", but they're really not that different. By no means am I saying that they are the same thing, just that... they are linked by your objective.

Say for example, I need to eat. "Eating" is a "need" that fulfills an objective. The objective is to stay alive, or rather, the objective is that I "want" to stay alive. A need is merely a necessary ingredient to fulfill a want.

Another example, say, I need to eat delicious food. Do I really need to? I don't need to if the objective is "stay alive", but if the objective is "to enjoy a meal", delicious food becomes a necessary ingredient to fulfill that want.

When people say "you don't need that", it usually just means "you don't need that to fulfill the objective of staying alive". As if staying alive is the only reason you're, well, being alive for. Staying alive is just a prerequisite for other things. Fuel is a prerequisite for a car to function, you don't just fill the tank and leave the car. Electricity is a prerequisite for a computer, but you don't just plug it in and leave it there. Being alive is a prerequisite for your existence, but by no means should it be your only objective.

When people think that a need is more important than a want, it just shows a problem in their conceptualization. A need, is something required to fulfill an objective, a want. It's just that some objectives, at some points of time, are more important than others.

Life is annoyingly simple.

It just boils down to "What to do at this very moment".

I played around trying to think of the proper way to phrase this.

"What you should do" implies outside forces imposing rules that you think you have to follow but... not necessarily. I should be studying. I should work hard. I should do my best. I should... I should. When I say the words "I should", usually it's about something that I feel I should do but I don't want to. Neither do I need to.

"What you need to do" is not totally appropriate either. I don't need to get out of the way of a truck crashing towards me. Getting out of the way is merely a helpful thing to do to achieve my objective of not dying so soon. Conversely, I don't "need" to eat food that tastes good. I don't need to be a psychologist. I don't need to take care of myself. But I choose to. I want to.

"What I want to do" doesn't work because it's not always helpful. Humans have less than perfect perception. We want things that are impossible, that are harmful, that don't give us the happiness that we think they would. We are overgrown babies that manage our desires somewhat better but still succumb to acting in harmful ways towards ourselves and others because of those desires sometimes. Acting on "want" is not always a good idea.

So, what to do?

For the simplicity of things I came up with three angles off the top of my head. Shoulds, needs, and wants. Often conflicting. What I should/need/want to do at this very moment is often not the same. If what I should do, need to do and want to do is the same thing, I would do it and there would be absolute absence of doubt. Things would be simple.

The hard part is the integration, the creation of balance between opposing forces, the wisdom to see through the reality of shoulds, needs and wants, among others, to know "What to do at this very moment".

Life, is annoyingly complex.

I learnt from kendo that things can be as simple or as complex as you can handle. Take a step, swing your sword. For the beginner, that's it. Take a step, swing your sword. As this simple motion becomes second nature, you look at your balance, your posture, how high to raise the sword, how much energy to put into your cut, how to control the sword at the end of it. And that's the limit of what I know now, and yet there is so much more. Life is the same, you can only do what is within your limits. But your limits are not static, they change depending on the decisions you make.

I think that, if you keep "what to do at this very moment" in mind as often as you can, you will get better at knowing "what to do".

好寂寞。

家人不了解我。
朋友，在远方。
女朋友... 不知道。

也许会认为寂寞和爱情是相对的，但寂寞是很微妙的东西。

工作累。读书累。写作业累。日后全职工作只会花更多时间，更累。突然很想放下一切，跑去新的地方，开始新的生活。就像当初一样。

与其问我要的什么，不如问我活着，期待着什么。
期待着什么？

可能只是一下子看不到，有什么好期待的。

小的时候，经常父母，老师都这样说我：这个小孩可以做得更好。

他们怎么知道呢？一个人怎么知道另一个人的界限呢？

可是在许多年以后我发觉他们说得是对的。我的确，可以做得更好。于是开始推自己。在努力一点，我可以做得更好。

然后呢？

然后觉得，不需要了。需要因为“可以”做得更多，就推自己去做吗？只要想做的事，对自己重要的事，自然就会尽力。不需要因为“可以”，就去做。

每一剑挥出去，都是寻求一个得不到的完美。

生活也是如此。

寻求快乐，寻求目标，寻求这个那个。寻求得不到的事，可是，一步一步地接近。没有永久的快乐，达到目标也会重新不满足。但一直寻求，一步步地接近。一点一滴地改变自己的日常生活，一直到自己满意为止。

于是，我决定成为求道者。

系统性地想，我要的东西不会凭空变出来。不会有天醒来就突然明白，不会突然间领悟些什么。所以要系统性地想。

我要的什么？所谓的热忱吧。Passion。我不能接受人活着就有意义这件事。活着很重要，有能让自己活着的技能很重要。可是人生在世，应该有比“活着”更大的意义存在。我要的是某种“意义”。

系统性地想。有了热忱和意义然后怎样？姑且不说这意义是什么。就当作得到了某种意义。每天放工放学回来死命地沉溺于自己的热忱吗？也是有限度的... 吧？忙着嫌没有自由，空闲又觉得没有东西做。有热忱就可以忙的时候期盼空闲，空闲的时候也有什么可以填满时间。可是... 想象不到有什么可以长久地持续下去。

我要的，是某种可以带我离开这里的东西吧。带我离开平凡的生活。