闲人

I learnt about how afraid I was.
I learnt about how I wasn't honest about liking people.
I learnt how I was carrying my worries all the time.
I learnt that what's important to me is to enjoy being alive.

What is important to me?

It is important to know what is important.
Both on a large scale: what is important to you in life?
Also on a small scale: what is important to you at this moment in time?

It is important to be honest to yourself.
It is important to deal with things at the appropriate time and place, and be able to let go of it when it's not the time. A good exercise is to write down all the things that are bothering me at the moment and deal with them if I can, leave them if I cannot, and come back to them at a later time.

I do not have to keep something at the back of my mind 24/7 just because I am scared I forget.

It is important to know what I fear. I do not have to be "not scared". I just need to acknowledge the fear and know what the fear is making me do. Fear should not stop me from doing what I really want to do. It is ok to be scared.

I do not have to search for ways to make myself complete. I am already complete.

I am scared. I did not allow myself to be scared for the longest time. I was always seen? expected? to be intelligent and well-adjusted and be able to cope with my problems. Seen and expected by who? by others? by myself? But the fact is, I am scared. I am scared of the future. I am scared that I cannot cope. I am scared. And I did not allow myself to be scared. And because I did not acknowledge it, I was consumed by it. So now I say, I am scared. It is ok to be scared. I don't need to be not scared.

四分之一个世纪。

给一个比较大方的预测，也可能三分之一的生命过去了。

成就了什么？以社会来讲也只是初生而已。

去年的主题是“强”。

今年有点迷惘。
追求着强，可能只是为了想被人认同而已。
并不是不追求了，只是，不想为了被认同而做。

看着去年写的东西觉得自己是不是变笨了。
还是，迷失了自己重要的主题。
不是为了证明自己比别人强，不是为了达到别人能认同的强。
而是以自己的定义去锻炼自己的强度。

强者不需要以过去的成就来证明自己的强。
只要在这一刻，决定不会被命运打倒，就是强者。

很想这样说但还是有点迷惘。
总觉得，身为心理学家，是不是应该注意到自己一些什么？为什么总是坚持要强。
是不是想用强来掩饰些什么？

还是，就算在掩饰什么，也无所谓？
只要自己觉得过得好就够了。

可能，需要花点时间，去了解自己，了解什么对自己重要，了解自己的生存方式。

活着，然后死去。

可能你相信死后有天堂地狱。
可能你相信轮回转世投胎。
可能你相信死了就会消失。
可能你完全没有想过死亡这回事。

宗教是很方便的事情，随便地把死亡的问题处理掉。
可是不管你信什么都好，至少今生今世，还是...
活着然后死去。

对死后的观念，多少会影响生存的方向。也没有说哪一个观念会绝对地比哪一个好，最重要还是要自己觉得有意义吧。

而意义也不断地会在转化。就现在而言，对我有意义的是所谓的存在主义existentialism。

主要是说，
要在死亡为绝对的前提下，充实地利用短暂的生命。
在世事无常的前提下，做足心理准备去面对可能发生的意外事件。
要认识到每个人都在自己控制外的情况下培养出了自己的生存方式，所以至少尽力的，尊重人的生存方式。当然也包括自己的。

然后怎么办？

要改变些什么，很好的办法是暂时给自己短暂的期限去改变。比如说，这个礼拜我会做怎样不同的事。如果反应不好，反正一个礼拜而已，一般不会有很大的损失。除非做了些惊天动地的改变。如果反应好就会少了禁忌。

少一点禁忌就是多一点自由。

还有今天读了有意思的东西:

You have the right to be who you are being as you are being.
I have the right to be who I am being as I am being.
We have the right to be with each other as we are being.

平常会不喜欢这样堂皇不是在的话。不过这些话看似简单其实很有意思，去揣摩吧。也并不是指任何人都可以人意妄为。去揣摩吧。

I had a dream within a dream. In the dream, the contents of the dream dream were to be taken seriously, as prophesied by a book. The title of the book was A good one, two days.

The night before I read an article about a philosopher talking about death. He said the anxiety he faces is not with death itself, rather as death is looming, he is feeling that maybe he had missed the point of life.

Last week's topic in class was death. I have always wondered why people often have overwhelming changes in their outlook when they are diagnosed with a terminal disease or have a close brush with death. Do you really need a reminder? Was there any illusions that you wouldn't die before the evidence was presented to you? Now I know. We merely, do not think about it. We avoid it until it becomes unavoidable. We do not state it explicitly, but we live under the illusion that we will never die.

However living under that illusion means we do not live life to the fullest. Death limits us, death gives us precious little time on this earth. Yet we squander it. We do not prioritize, we often conform to what others think is important.

Life is a fleeting dream which will be over before you know it and leave you thinking, "is that it?".
For now, I think, prioritizing things in life means having a good one, two days every so often.

从这里开始吧。

几时变得，会在意，自己说的话值不值得说，有没有人想听，有没有人说过类似的话，别人听了我的话会怎么批判我。

不过其实只要想说就说吧。

只是没有去想罢了。

每天忙，每天似乎过得有点建设，然后每天避免去想，我到底想怎样。

到底想怎样？

人是会思考‘我的生活过得有没有意义’的生物，可是进化论只照顾一个生物能不能生存，并没有照顾到我们能不能快乐。

宗教是很简单的出路，同时化解了生活有没有意义的问题和对死亡的惧怕。抨击宗教的人太单纯了。如果没有稍微正统的宗教，就会有大大小小很荒诞的宗教，然后就会有人去信。事实上就算有稍微正统的宗教，还是有人去相信很荒诞的事情吧。

到底想怎样?
能怎样。

成佛前要挑水劈柴，成佛后还是要挑水劈柴。
我这个凡人还能怎样。
问题并不是在于过着怎样的生活，而是怎样地在过生活吧。